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The Art of Rejection

Posted by Renee on January 27th, 2012.

Rejection has happened to all of us at one point in our lives and it is never good – ok it really stinks – but sometimes it is better than others and necessary for both parties.  So, what makes one rejection better than another?  Can you smoothly and gently reject someone?  Can you grow from rejection?

No matter what the source of rejection is, whether it is a purchasing manager shutting down your proposal or a beautiful lady giving you the Heisman at a bar in front of your boys, you have to be able to move on mentally or see the signs early to determine if you should get out while the getting is good.

On the flipside, you may be the one who does not want the shirt the sales person is trying to sell you or maybe you know after the first hour of your first date that it will be the last with that person and you have to let her down with class and grace.

Regardless of the situation, the basis of an artful rejection is honesty coupled with a good delivery (approach, tone and communication method).

First of all, both the “rejector” and the “rejectee” must be honest with themselves.  You must know what you want or don’t want
and express it clearly.  A vague request for proposal may lead to a purchaser getting all sorts of quotes – apples, oranges and
beans.  You might get rejected because you went down the oranges road and they wanted apples.

 

What you do next time:

  1. Ask better questions up front
  2. Make no assumptions
  3. Know their hot buttons and press them
  4. Listen, listen and listen some more… no one has ever listened themselves out of a deal

And if all that doesn’t work, position yourself for next time.  Their number one choice has to continue to deliver or they will seek out number two.  In the meantime, sell your oranges to someone who is looking to make some smoothies or in other words, focus where you can provide the most value.

On a personal level, a lovely lady may agree to go out with you after meeting you one night in a loud club.  On the first date you review backgrounds, what you do for a living and what you do for fun, then the conversation may move to what you want in the future.  Let’s say, she is focused on her career, starting a family and looking for someone in a similar place as her to get married to.  You, on the other hand may be separated, have 2 kids and a great job.  Clearly, you are in different places.  You know she is not what you are after.

Step one was 50% accomplished; you were honest with yourself.  Now it was time to be honest with her; the other 50%.

After getting a text from her suggesting that you should get together again, you have to move into the role of rejector. I suggest going old school so pick up the phone and call her.

It is time to invoke the tried and true “sandwich technique”.

The Sandwich Technique
What you say…

  1. Say something positive (slice 1)
  2. Say something negative or your rejection message (putting on the meat and condiments)
  3. Finish with something positive (slice 2).

Sample call…

  1. Start by stating that she is an ambitious and stunning woman – slice 1.
  2. Then go on to say that although you really like her you were in different places and what you wanted in the foreseeable future was very different – meat.  After that suggest that you should pursue people that were more compatible with her timelines and that you didn’t want to get in her way to pursue her eventual Mr. Right – condiments.
  3. Finish by saying that it was so much fun dancing and hanging out with her and you’re glad that she introduced you to the great restaurant that you had dinner at the other night (date 1) – slice 2.

Move On
Now on the flipside, if you are the rejectee fellas, you should be ready to take it like a man if she didn’t feed you a good sandwich by dropping you like a bad habit.  Here are a couple of helpful techniques:

  1. You knew it was coming
    • Be honest with yourself; if the sparks fade move on and execute points 2-4.
  2. Work the pain out of your system
    • Hit the batting cage, track or gym and fire up the endorphins to overpower the negative feelings and disappointment.  This will also make you thirsty which will prepare you for point 3.
  3. Go out with the boys
    • Hit your local watering hole and tie one on.  Warning: Alcohol is a depressant and will induce negative feelings at first but it may induce you to talk the rejection out of your system and your headache in the morning will outweigh the original pain.
  4. Rebound
    • Get back on the horse and meet another fine honey that will distract you from the pain.

Any way you slice it rejection is an art.  Like good artists, some level of pain or rejection must be felt to move you to the next level of tenacity and creativity.  It is something that one must learn to live with and execute to ensure that you maintain reality and sanity.  As you overcome rejection you build confidence.  Without rejection, you wouldn’t know what path you should take.  Master the art by seeing rejection as an opportunity to take your inner strength and creativity to new heights.

Hey, remember, women get rejected too!