Screw the Isle of Mann: I’m headed for the Man Aisle
by Jeff Carmack
If you’ve ever done the grocery shopping you know it sucks. You have to contend with crowded parking lots, tons of kids and, worst of all, guys like yourself who would rather be anywhere other than a grocery store.
Well, bro, if you live in Manhattan you’re in luck.
Some smart guys there have set up a Man Aisle in a local grocery. This allows you, in one fell swoop, to score your chips, your jerky and your condoms—in other words, all your guy stuff—with one trip down one aisle. This is awesome because it frees up valuable time for you to do really important things like drink, play video games and/or reorganize your iTunes library.
Ian Joskowitz, Chief Operating Officer of Manhattan’s Westside Market, said he was inspired to create this man-tastic shopping experience after he read an article that said that guys today are doing more grocery shopping than ever before: 31% today compared to only 14% in the ‘90s.
When I first heard about Joskowitz’s epiphany I thought, “He had to read an article to figure this out? Dude, you’re the freaking COO of a grocery store—don’t you ever do any shopping?”
Then I realized, oh yeah—he’s from New York. He’s probably never been in a proper grocery store except to do whatever a COO does—which probably doesn’t involve doing the grocery cart slalom through aisles clogged with MILFs and old-age pensioners.
Joskowitz was quoted as saying, “Generally, the supermarket is set up for women and families, so we thought, what can we do to tailor a section for men.” He brainstormed with a bunch of his buddies and came up with the Man Aisle idea.
The result was an aisle stocked with sugary cereal, razors, shaving cream, deodorant, protein bars, coffee, condoms, hot sauce, beer, chips and soap.
An aside: they ought to have male-only checkout lines, too. No carts or baskets allowed – you have to be able to carry all your shit in your hands like grocery Jenga and still kick ass at Angry Birds. Otherwise, it’s back in the other line behind the woman using a crayon to write a check for the new Cosmo and a box of kitty litter.
But back to the Man Aisle thing: these guys had a great idea and are doing dude-kind a huge solid. Still, I think they missed out on a few guy essentials. If they would add these to the Man Aisle, it would be complete:
Porn—OK, how did they miss this? Guy essentials – but no porn? That’s like forgetting charcoal lighter fluid. Also: you know how some stores group things that belong together, like salsa and bean dip with the chips? Two ideas for the naughty section of your guy aisle: AstroGlide and Handi Wipes.
Electronics—If iPods can be successfully sold in airport vending machines, what’s wrong with selling plasma TVs in a grocery store? Nothing, that’s what. Think of it: stop off for a bottle of Ketel One and some macadamia nuts and pick up a 12” powered subwoofer while you’re at it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is convenience.
Power tools—Again, how did they miss this? With so much stuff now packed in those bomb-proof plastic packaging bubbles you never know when another circular saw would come in pretty handy. And when you get to your car to find some douche-nozzle taking up two slots with his Hummer, a battery-powered drill might teach the miscreant some
In the spirit of equality, I think Joskowitz and Co. should consider a similar aisle strictly for the ladies; it would include red wine, scented candles and dark chocolate and the stockers would all be former Olympic gymnasts and Chippendale dancers.