And You Thought Your Tattoo Was a Pain in the Ass
by Jeff Carmack
After facial tattoos, I have always thought that breast tatts were about the worst idea ever, but this really takes the cake.
Or maybe the brownie.
Perhaps you’ve heard about this already. Maria Louise Del Rosario, 26, got her 15 minutes a couple of weeks ago when the story (and accompanying video—you can find it yourself) of her getting her rectum inked went viral.
When you’re finished wincing, we can continue. OK, you still with me?
Yes, the Florida native (I bet you thought she was from California) got her ring piece tatted. And not with the obvious (and lame) “Exit only” that you might expect: nope – she got her boyfriend’s name indelibly inked on her anus. And, in true you-can’t-make-this-shit-up fashion, the guy’s name is Rockwood.
This is a new frontier in body modification. I was going to say something about “boldly going where no man has ever been,” but when you’re talking about a woman who just let the world watch her get her pooper illustrated that might not be the case; might be more like, “Don’t even think about going there until this thing heals up.”
Obviously, tattooing is no longer a novelty, but in this case the location breaks new ground. I got to thinking, what if some other popular body mods follow this trend?
Branding doesn’t seem a likely candidate for the neighborhood. As anyone who has ever suffered through the morning-after effects of a volcanic vindaloo can tell you, heat is no friend of the chocolate starfish.
And while “tearing someone a new asshole” is a colorful expression, I don’t see rectal bifurcation catching on. Same for piercing—which is especially evident to anyone who’s ever snagged an earring while pulling on a T-shirt. Just imagine a similar incident while you’re pulling off your knickers; you just might actually end up tearing yourself a new one. Literally.
Also—you’ve seen those big gauges people put in their earlobes to stretch them out till they look like grommets on a circus tent? You see where I’m going here? Not pretty, huh? You know that noise you make when you blow across the neck of a beer bottle? Well, forget about the nude beach on a windy day.
I’ll give Maria this, though—conservative advice for people getting a tatt is simple: Don’t put it where it will show. Well, she sure nailed that one. But her proctologist is in for a huge surprise.